Following on from my blog about my breastfeeding struggles with Margot one of our customers asked me to share more personal stories/insights. Man, we could write a novel on our journey as mothers, as I’m sure you all could too. Whilst my baby days are not so fresh in my memory now (with Phoebe 5 and Margot nearly 3), an issue I am currently grappling with is whether or not to expand our family.
I always imagined I would have at least 3, maybe 4 children. I saw myself as an earth mother, I had always been drawn to babies and children and was a nanny throughout high-school and uni. I thought I would be a natural. But as it turns out, whilst I absolutely adore my children and get so much joy from them, I am not a natural mother.
We had a few rough years as a family after Phoebe was born with my husband being very sick and then having a difficult pregnancy and postpartum journey with Margot. Not to mention starting and growing this business all whilst living in a different country to our family. When you lay it all out, there is no wonder I found it so tough.
But life is good now. I absolutely love my girls, they are kind, funny and a delight to be with. I love spending time with them and I also love the freedom and space I get with having slightly older children. They are pretty self-sufficient now. They help me, they play well and can entertain themselves. I get more me-time and my husband and I get more together time.
But I still actually find it really hard. I have moments every day of pure frustration and I often feel like I can’t cope. I can’t imagine adding another to my family and coping, I really feel it will break me and the family.
So after a lifetime of imagining a household full of children, I am wondering whether I am done. And if so, can I grieve for the baby that I never had? Or should I be grateful for what I have and move forward?
I would love to hear your stories and how you knew whether to expand your family or appreciate what you have right in front of you.